For a Cold Steel Rail
by Perfectly Cromulent Word
Summary: Life as a ninja? Somebody said it starts with death and confusion and doesn't get better from there. Sounds awful, but after a while you can't tell that hell from a green field. Semi Insert OC.
1. Prologue

I've found names are important.

Like a brand, they mark you for everyone to see. Not, like, literally but if you're judging a book and the title on the cover is Laser Sex Bots from Beyond the Oort Cloud it says something about the book no matter what some dewey eyed elementary school teacher would have you believe.

Most people have a couple they pick up in their life; nicknames, titles, pet names from those who love us. Like a rolling stone, those labels will begin to cling to us as we bang down the hill of the way of life like… something. Look, point being nobody is just one name, but most people don't have a sack full of them either. But in my line of work, you pick up a metric fuck ton and immediately forget about ninety percent of them. The ones that stick tend to be the ones that matter.

I've been called many things in my life.

The people who raised me called me Michiaki.

Leaf ninja called me Cloud's Black Arrow.

The samurai of the west called me The Devil that Rides White Death.

My fellow shinobi called me Bow of the Raikage.

My commander called me Little Shitface.

My friends called me Never Miss Michi.

That last one is kind of embarrassing, believe me I miss a lot.

But the thing you have to know is that none of those are my real name.

My name is Michael Westport.

And I'm not from this world.

This is my story.


	2. Chapter 1

For a Cold Steel Rail

Chapter 1

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I could wax lyrical about my death.

The clarity I felt as everything came to an end. The pain and misery as my demise took hold. The whole spectrum of emotions I felt as I came to grips with my own impending mortality. The expansion of my consciousness as I transcend all earthy concerns as my spirit migrated to the great beyond!

None of that would be true because I don't remember shit.

Years later I would get a confirmation of my long privately held suspicions that I had died and was reincarnated. Until then I had only the conviction that no I wasn't insane, I really did have close to thirty years of memories of a life in another world. One that wasn't some bullshit anime I'd only tangentially heard of from the younger siblings of friends. Year after year of new experiences stacked up as evidence that it wasn't a hallucination. It helped that my transition was abrupt.

One moment, I'm standing on a street corner a couple blocks from my apartment as I walk to work, eating a yogurt and awkwardly fishing out my cell phone from my back pocket while hip shifting my laptop bag out of the way. The next, I am in the body of an infant holding a stuffed panda and staring up at some woman as she coos at me and tries to cram some sort of bean paste monstrosity into my surprised face. There is nothing in between. No tunnel of light. No pearly gates or lake of sulfur. Jack. Squat. I looked around and then down at my new chubby babby body and back up into the woman's face.

I uh didn't take it well.

Panda's got thrown. Screaming happened. I ended up on the other side of the room in a spastic pile of twitching limbs and a bowl of goo on my head. Everything got real fight or flighty in my first moments of my new life. The gears of my unconscious mind clanked together immediately and sent signals to my body to do things before I could consciously come to grips with my situation. I'd like to think as an adult previously I wasn't prone to histrionics but fuck that's a lot to drop on a guy in a couple seconds. I immediately tried to get to the nearest exit but being about one sixth my size and about ten percent of my weight and in some sort of wooden bumbo chair I didn't get as far as I planned.

The woman intercepted me with a speed that would later cause my spine to tingle thinking about it. Lady scooped me up and began trying to calm me down, soothing nonsensical gibberish washing over me in what I imagined were well practiced maternal incapacitating sound waves. Sadly for her, that day it wasn't going to work as I became a maelstrom of tiny fists and feet.

You ever been punched by a baby? It fucking stings.

Lady had a good head on her shoulders as instead of vainly trying to corral a fun sized Loony Toons type Tasmanian Devil with her bare hands or dropping me, she fished out a blanket from somewhere and wrapped me up before trying a second time to console me while weathering a couple more smacks to her face. Finding me inconsolable, she rattled something else off I didn't understand and took my squirming mass into another room. Wrapping me tighter in the blanket, Lady set me down in a cage of pale wood and hovered over me, oozing concern.

I don't have many real memories of these scant early moments, only hazy images. Snap shots that blur and focus at random intervals. The particularly shade of blue of her skirt, the tickle of gloop as it trailed behind my right ear, the grains of the wood on the wall as I went upside down as she picked me up.

Ironically more sensory input I had in those first chaotic minutes then my death.

Heart still pounding in my ears, I looked around to take stock of my situation. The room I was in was spartan, mostly pale bare walls with the occasional minimalist watercolor floral print. A single window streamed in mid-morning sunlight, so it seemed to be the same time of day. The cage I was in was clearly a play pen/crib. The woman who helicoptered over me was dusky, with green eyes and grey hair in a ponytail. It was an odd combination of skin tone and hair color I hadn't seen before, as she was in her mid-twenties. A little early to go completely grey. She wore a grey tunic over a white vest that was vaguely Asian in a way I wasn't familiar with. She was pretty in a no nonsense not putting a lot of effort into my appearance type of way, even with her face creased in concern as she watched me.

She kept talking to me, and now that I wasn't panicking I could tell it wasn't English. I wasn't sure what it was. I'm from Seattle, which has several populations of immigrants from Asia. I lived there for my entire life, gone to college there, and while I don't speak any of the languages I can at least recognize them.

I didn't recognize this language.

She kept repeating a word, michiaki, which had no meaning to me. I tried to say something to her. Ask her who the hell she was, where was I, what the hell happened to me? But the only thing that came out was unintelligible gibberish. My tongue was heavy, and my lips awkward, like they weren't used to forming the sounds I made. Finding no recognition, we stared at each other both trying to talk but neither understanding. I managed to wiggle on arm out and stare at it. Stumpy and pudgy, it wasn't the arm of adult. It was a lighter shade than Lady's, like a slight tan. Not my skin tone. Not my arm. My mind made the connection.

I really was a baby.

Balls.

That first day was an exercise in creeping horror. I was in apparently foreign lands, in a body that wasn't my own, with no way to communicate with the only person around and no way of knowing when I could get home, or even if I can. I was completely helpless.

Hours passed and my anxiety mounted as I really began to comprehend my situation. With no way to move about or find out any information, I was trapped in my own head with all the fears it could conjure. Lady tried to feed me, but I sullenly refused to eat from her hand or an offered bottle. I also refused the nap she tried to have me do in the afternoon. I don't know if anybody has ever seen a baby flip somebody the bird, but this was now a world where such a thing could happen. Seeing I was doing nothing but stare and sulk, Lady came and went.

A man arrived towards dusk. He was pale skinned, with blonde hair and brown eyes. He was oddly dressed, with a sort of one strap piece of armor and a tank top with dark MC Hammer pants? Nice outfit buddy. For a clown to wear. To the circus. Idiot. The addition of a head band with a metal plate and some weird S shape with a dash to its left. Unaware I was casting shade on his outfit, he kissed Lady on the cheek and asked a question about me I assume since he looked my way when doing so. His smile faded and he frowned in my direction. They had a hushed conversation and came over to stand over me.

Hammer Pants picked me up and said something to me while smiling and tickling my nose with one finger. Not amused by this, I lifted one hand very deliberately and while staring him in the face slapped his finger away. He yelped, more in surprise than any pain I didn't hit him hard. We stared at each other from close range, and as the seconds passed his expression changed. Gone was the indulgent smile, replaced with a watchful, blank look. This man seemed to be disassembling me with his eyes, reducing me to a bunch of parts and analyzing each piece. I was under the scrutiny of something much more dangerous than I was. It was unnerving as fuck. He looked over at Lady, and asked a question. She was quiet for a moment, before answering. He handed me to Lady and we went into that room I "woke" in. She sat me down in that bumbo again and we all shared an uneasy meal together.

Like a family.

I began to feel sick.

Did I replace some poor boy with myself? I didn't even consider that possibility until just now. This was a mother and father and I was their "child." But I wasn't, I'm a full grown man who may have body snatched their kid.

I refused any food again, this time from a guilt rather than fear or anger.

When dinner was finished, Lady took me back into what I realized was my room and changed my clothes to sort of cross between a jump suit and a robe. I can't really describe it, it was one piece but had a baggy tunic like top that flapped down over the legs. These were the local equivalent of jammies as I was put back in the baby cage. Lady did some clever moving of the parts and it became more crib than cage.

When she'd finished, Lady began to softly sing to me in her language. I didn't know a word of the song, but with the events of the day and all the shit that went through my psyche I soon fell asleep.

So ended my first day in the Village Hidden in the Clouds.

It sucked.

It would not be the weirdest one by a mile.

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Those first few weeks were agonizing. Those endless hours of doing nothing like on that first day were repeated writ large. My "mother" took care of me, doing all the mom things you'd expect and let me tell you how humiliating it is to have somebody wipe your ass. Papi Dale, I'm super sorry all the times I rolled my eyes behind your back when you were complaining about your time in the hospital. Mornings she would wake me up and feed me with the help of Hammer Pants, then he'd go to work I assumed and Lady did various chores around the house and take care of my useless lump of a baby body. She tried to entertain me with toys and singing and peek a boo type games in the meantime when she noticed my brain melting out of my ear from boredom.

This lasted for less than a week.

I can't imagine what it would be like for a mother to one day have her child go from laughing baby boy to grumpy impatient sourpuss. I usually like to think of myself as a pretty easy going guy, but one of my big bugaboos is people treating me like a child. So when I wake up in the body of what I estimated as a one year old, my entire existence became one big long gagagoogoo aren't you the cutest! I became as big a sarcastic asshole a baby who can't talk can be. I more or less acted like a sullen teenager whose mom was the biggest dorkasaurus. Offered toys were ignored, games were greeted with a flat unamused stare, and songs were just met with a wrinkled nose as I tried vainly to pick up some words. I did work on my motor skills and trying to talk but if anything the deliberate manner in which I did it just weirded her out even more so. All of which made me kind of a dick to a person who was taking care of me, but the tedium of it all was just too much. That surely would be cold comfort to any mother, it's a wonder they didn't think their child was possessed. Given some of the things that live in this world, they probably should have.

For the first couple days I thought I was just inhabiting some poor baby's body. Killing an infant unintentionally is not good for the soul, but as the days past my mind gradually began to remember bits and pieces of the last few months. Not anything concrete, but snap shots and sense memory. Holy shit was I ever hungry all the goddamn time. I dunno, maybe I'm fooling myself into a rationalization and I really did cannibalize some poor babby's brain juice but those feelings felt like my own. I got the sense that something changed in the last few weeks as my past memories began to surface until BOOM Mike's Consciousness goes Skynet and becomes self-aware. Before that, it was mostly snap shots of the house, feelings of contentment and warmth, and hunger

Holy shit was I every hungry.

All the goddamn time with the hunger. I had no idea babies needy to eat so many times a day. I quickly got over the indignity of having somebody feed you as the gnawing unfillable pit of a stomach would never be satiated. I kept having to shovel food into my gullet to keep it at bay as my body burned it all to fuel my growth. The only way I could let somebody know I was hungry was yelling unintelligibly. It was a pain in the ass for everyone involved and diminished us all. The cuisine wasn't bad. Aside from the standard bottle of milk, I was fed soups and some mush that I'm sure was super nutritious but also designed to not turn my baby stomach into a poop Chernobyl. I was grateful for that.

I started to pick up a couple words of the local language. I discovered something weird about the names of the people taking care of me. Lady's actual name was Hoshi, and Hammer Pants was I think El? Maybe even L. Which, I mean, come on. What sense does that make? A woman who has a Japanese name and a guy who may or may not be named after a character form a Will Smith movie. Neither of whom spoke the languages of their respective name origins. Somebody was fucking with me I swear. It was offensive. I could at least stop referring to them as Lady and Hammer Pants.

Aside from that, the first inkling I had that this wasn't Earth was about a week after Arrival. After a short breakfast, Hoshi dressed me up in in a dress like thing that resembled a muumuu, with a little poofy clouds in varying colors bright colors. Ugh. Shortly after, there was a knock from what I assume was the front door and tall woman in navy blue version of the usually outfit Hoshi wore came in, and had one of those metal plates with a S symbol on it on an armband. She was similarly hued to Hoshi, with dusky brown skin but she had short blonde hair in a pageboy cut that only exposed one blue eye. She was lean, but moved with a casual grace that was similar to Hoshi that I found intimidating for some reason I couldn't pin down. From a sample size of three, people, I'd come to the conclusion everyone learned to walk from jungle predators.

This was the first visitor we'd had since I came to, and the novelty of this was only heightened when after they exchanged some friendly small talk and obligatory cooing over me, Hoshi slung me onto her back and we left the house.

Thank. Christ. Any sort of distraction from the living hell that was infanthood was a soothing summer breeze. You can only stand and work on walking without face planting or practice grabbing objects and manipulating them for so long. What I assumed was a house was actually an apartment in a circular complex around an atrium that a stairwell entered into. When we exited into the spring daylight, I found a familiar sight to my Seattle grown sensibilities. The town we lived in was in the mountains, through gaps between the buildings were cloud enshrouded peaks. Green pine trees and grassy patches surrounded the city, with small patches of snow dotting the highest parts.

The city planners had a big hard on for windows and cylinders that never got larger than four or five stories. Most of the buildings were wooden, though some were concrete or stone. Blues were a popular color, as well as crimson and a charcoal grey. The streets felt cramped, not very wide and mostly made of cobble stone. Buildings went right up to the road, without any sidewalk which added to the pushed in feeling I had. They were clean though, I'll give them that. I didn't notice any cars, but maybe I was in a pedestrian mall area of town. The crowd noise drowned out any sounds of traffic as well.

The people who walked by mostly resembled Hoshi and her visitor, though there were a large number Caucasian types too. They dressed similarly to us, though there were some dresses and t shirts and pants types as well. None of the brands or stores were recognizable, and all the signs were written in a vaguely character like language I also didn't recognize beyond the same Some-Sort-of-PanAsian Vibe I got constantly. It seemed all pretty normal if a bit rustic.

Then I saw a person make a running jump over a twenty foot gap between buildings the way you jump a over a log and I shit my pants.

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Author's Note:

So first actual chapter in the books and it feels good man.

I've read god only knows how many self inserts, starting from waaaaaaay back when Ranma ½ was the juggernaut of the anime fanfiction scene, and I never thought I'd be banging one out but here we are. Prime inspiration comes from Silver Queen's Dreaming of Sunshine, the gold standard for Naruto fanfic (not just for Self Insert). I can't imagine if you're reading this that you haven't heard of it, but for some reason if you haven't stop reading my drek and go read hers. I wanted to try my own hand at it, and with the Naruto manga over I felt I can go about dipping into the world without any curveballs being thrown my way in the meantime.

I'll be up front, this Naruto world will have some pretty significant changes from the canon manga. The original work has some plot, character, and world choices that I found, quite frankly, to be pants on head retarded. Pretty much everything from Obito's identity reveal on was just an infinite shitshow of dumb decisions which couldn't be saved no matter how hilariously smug Madara got while god modeing everyone around him. I'm axing all of that and a good deal more beside. Some stuff will remain the same, but some will be a LOT different. Consider it an Alternate Universe.

Not only that, but I'll be trying to avoid most of the common tropes Naruto SI's fall into. To start off with, I'm chopping out all knowledge of Naruto from Mike's head and stuck him in Lightning. Monkeying around with the plot has been done to death, and to show a different aspect of the Naruto world that doesn't get shown I'm avoiding the Leaf Village for a good portion of the beginning fic. There will be references and eventually things will start to intersect but not for some time. Naruto's world has some cool stuff in it that barely gets touched on. Hopefully you'll find it as interesting as I do.

Let me know what you think.


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